Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Interview with an alien
Earthling: So tell me a little about yourself. When did you come here to Earth? And for what reason? Many people, im sure, are dying to meet you or someone like you. Can you give us a brief explaination as to who, or what, you are?.. if you don't mind me asking.
Alien: Hi. Well me and my people have always been watching earth for quite some time now. For the past 40 million years or so. Not to say that I have been around for that long. Haha. But people from my planet have been just observing the interesting behaviors or Earth. Particularly within the past 200 thousand years when you humans arrived. I'm just a trooper coming down to finally talk to one of you guys, maybe exchange some information. Anyway. As you can tell, we sort of bare the same physical resemblance, only we are more green and have antennae on our heads. You humans haven't gotten those yet.
Earthling: Ah interesting. So you are saying evolution is true? And that we will evolve into things that look like you?
Alien: Well yes. I know how that can come as a shock to a lot of you. Perhaps it's been debated a lot in your so called "churches." But it is true. Yes. And you will gradually become more and more attractive like my kind. It will be a civic standard that the greener the skin, the more attractive. Also the more broad the antennae, the more attractive.
Earthling: So what exactly do the antennae detect? Does your kind have a sixth sense?
Alien: It just adds to our sex appeal. It's attractive. Don't you think?
Earthling: .... Moving along. Does your kind have divisions within it? Does it have different races or nationalities or religions?
Alien: Absolutely. Our kind has everything ranging from Xongrozorgians to Merqiwtz and even a few surviving Turplapkrads, along with about 600 other nationalities and races. As for religioun, I don't understand what you mean.
Earthling: Like do you believe in god? Or Buddha? Do any of your kind accept Jesus Christ as your savior or something?
Alien: Um.. No. We have never heard of Jesus Christ. Besides, why would we look up to a being who is a kind of human? But it's ok. I understand it.
Earthling: And I understand it too. Another question: What is your government and economic system? Surely a civilization as advanced as yours has a better government and economic policy that any of us could have ever come up with.
Alien: We sure do. Complete organized socialized capitalistic anarchy. COSCA for short.
Earthling: Wow. Sounds intriguing. How does that work?
Alien: Well pretty much everyone does whatever they want to do whenever they want to. We don't use money anymore and there are no leaders. We hold no elections, and everyone is nice to each other. We don't lie, we don't cheat, we don't get married, and we can have as many partners as we want. Everyone just cooperates perfectly. It's to be expected. We had 10 million years of practice.
Earthling: You seem like such a nice Alien. Why doesnt your kind come to Earth more often?
Alien: Are you kidding me? You people kill each other and drop bombs on cities. You also crash your own planes into your own buildings. Your planet is always at war with itself. You people also are so scared and timid about anything abnormal, if one of our aircrafts were to actually land in a public place, your military and armed forces would destroy us within seconds.
Earthling: Well I don't think that's true.
Alien: Not true? You have "restricted air space" and anything unidentified that flies in your "restricted air space" will be shot down. Where are we supposed to fly? And more importantly, where are we supposed to land? And it's really difficult to abduct one of your people because whenever our abduction beams shine down, lots of humans can see them and they will probably attack us.
Earthling: Well you have to cut us some slack. It has been a while since any of people have legitimately seen one of your aircrafts.
Alien: No you haven't seen any of our aircrafts at all. Ever. We're not usually that dumb as to come down here to Earth anyway. This is the first time.. And you also make movies and you are always portraying us as the bad guys. That makes us uneasy too. Except for ET. But after seeing that movie, ET was ugly as sin and looks nothing like us. I don't know who came up with that idea but he was on something I'm sure.
Earthling: Well we have our imagination. Well that's about all the time we have. Is there anything else you would like to tell Earth? After all, you are much more advanced than any of us. Anything you want to say?
Alien: Yeah. Well I highly doubt that you will make it another thousand years BUT if you do, just to let you know, you should find some people to discover how to use your ocean as an energy source, you need to colonize your moon, and you need to stop killing each other. If you fail at that, it's ok. Your race will just be whiped out. We will take over and pick up where you left off.
Earthling: Thank you.
Alien: (timewarps away)
I wrote this about two years ago. Hope you enjoyed it.
Posted by Michael Diaz at 9:27 PM